Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:
1. Is it true?
2. Is it necessary?
3. Is it kind?
I found the quote on social media, but the post-er failed to acknowledge the origin of the wise words. I assume it's from Buddha. Perhaps the person didn't know from whose lips these words were spoken. I'm thankful they posted anyway, because they sunk in deep-- but not deep enough.
For I violated the truth and I spoke before I let my words pass through the three gates. It hurts something awful to become aware of one's own violations of truth.
Yet, there is more than regret in this story.
I spent the day with two dear and treasured friends, one who is 73 years-old and the other who is 87 years-old. We young-uns met, and drove 40 minutes to be with our 87 year-old friend.
My 73 year old friend I have known for almost 35 years. We raised our children together. When Tony was stuck on a plane in Dallas and I had gone into labor, this dear friend was ready to jump in and coach me through the birth. Tony made it in time and instead my children spent the night at her home. I was her friend through two divorces, three deaths. I love her.
Our 87 year-old friend I have known for at least 20 years. I have sat mesmerized at her kitchen table, in her living room chairs, listening to her life stories. She first gave me the idea to live in Paris (at least for a month). She inspired me to make stained glass. She introduced me to ideas and people. When I met her unexpectedly in the company of my daughter and future son-in-law, she ripped a $20 bill in half and told them their marriage would be worthless if they didn't work together.
And so I spent the day in the company of two women I love and trust, two women I trust who love me.
We felt compelled to visit her on this day. When we arrived, we understood why. It was the third anniversary of her husband's death. We listened to the stories of his life and death. It was an important day for her and us. It was a privilege to spend it in her company on such a day.
Now the regret. My comfort in the company of these women allowed me to let down and let go of the angst I carry. The angst I carry is not complimentary to the people who provoke the angst. Herein is the violation of the Budda's words and the Savior's teachings.
First: Was it true? Yes. But the truth was from my perspective. The people of whom I complained were not there to defend themselves nor retort my take.
Second: Was it necessary? In part. We cannot always carry our burdens alone. To have someone listen, validate, and console may be the most necessary human experience ever.
Third: Was it kind? No.
The final litmus test was the hangover. It was a gossip hangover. The next morning I indeed awoke with a headache.
One beauty follows a mistake: repentance. A chance to leave behind who we are and become a little closer to the person we are meant to be.
Next time we meet, I will make sure the three gates are locked.
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